Tear Your Heart Out and Pray
by Sugarbubbleslove
Summary: She heads back to the Circle to gain allies and finds her home, and her heart, are in tatters…and words said are unable to be unsaid… Cullen/Fem-Amell, Alistair & Fem-Amell friendship 1/4


Title: Tear Your Heart Out and Pray

Characters: Alistair, Leliana, Wynne, Morrigan, Dog, Cullen, Solona Amell

Pairings: Cullen/Solona, Alistair & Solona friendship

Rating: High Teen/Low Mature

Disclaimer: I do not own anyone/anything from the forum Dragon Age. Bioware owns Dragon Age and its characters. There is no copyright infringement intended. I do not make any profit/money or take any credit.

Summary: She heads back to the Circle to gain allies and finds her home, and her heart, are in tatters…and words said are unable to be unsaid…

Timeline: Origins – Circle Tower

Warning: Angst, implied sexual themes

Author's Notes: I really wish we had the chance to call Cullen out or even acknowledge his feelings as the Female Mage, damn you Bioware for giving me characters I CAN'T romance.

'Tear your Heart out and Pray'

'_Tear your heart out and pray to the Maker for salvation because there is none to be found within my arms'_

She stopped at the doors of the place that was once her home before she had been cast out for helping the man she had come to see as a brother after he had revealed himself to be a blood mage. Anger and shame still burned her as the memory resurfaced. How could she have been so blind, so naïve?

It had only gotten worse when she bumped into him in the cells at Redcliff Castle, revealing that the son was a mage and his mother had recruited the Mage in a bid to teach her son in secret. It all went to the void since then; the Mage had been hired by Loghain to poison Arl Eamon which resulted in the son making a deal with a demon to keep his father safe.

"Are you okay, Solona?" her red-haired companion asked, concern in her blue eyes as she slipped a hand on the mage's shoulder. Solona straightened, giving her friend a smile.

"I'm fine." She wasn't convinced but she wasn't going to push it and nodded. Solona gave her a grateful look before she turned back to the door and pushed it open.

They stepped into the main room of the tower only for Solona to stop short at the sight of the Templars barring the main doors, Gregoir was in the middle barking orders and she could see there were no mages, only Templars who had been hurt in some battle.

Dread curled around her heart when she noticed a particular Templar was not there before she scolded herself. He could take care of himself, she needed to focus on what she was here for but she couldn't help but wonder what had happened to the place that once had been her home.

Gregoir turned around, frowning when he noticed an unfamiliar group of people.

"I thought I was specific that no-one was allowed in the tower!" he shouted, turning to the Templar who was standing next to the doors. "Will you show them out and remind Carroll that his job to ensure no-one gets on a boat to come here?!"

"Hello Gregoir," Solona greeted, stepping forward. Gregoir blinked before surprise flickered across his features at seeing the woman he probably thought he would never see again.

"Solona, you have returned," Gregoir greeted, his tone cool but she took no notice as her green eyes scanned the room with dread before coming to meet his.

"What happened here?" she demanded.

"Solona…" he held up his hand but fire burned in her eyes.

"This was my home, once," she reminded him. "I will not be deterred like some child. What is going on?" Gregoir sighed.

"After the surviving mages returned from Ostagar, we heard tales about the Grey Wardens betraying the King, leaving them to the Darkspawns and one of the mages, Uldred," she flinched at the name, "started an uprising. He is a blood mage."

He watched as she stared at him before her jaw slackened and her skin tone turn paler, a hand coming up to her mouth.

"What about the others?" she demanded. "Surely not all of them followed Uldred!"

"We believe them to be dead," he confessed. She stared at him, unable to say anything.

"Pardon me," he turned to see the blonde male move closer to stand next to the mage. "Are you telling me you've locked everyone in the tower without knowing if they are still alive or not?"

"How can anyone do that?!" the red-haired female demanded, her blue eyes flashing indignantly.

"Are we really surprised?" the bored tone of the dark haired woman joined in, getting glares from the other two companion. She shrugged while the dog barked.

"What you planning on doing?" Alistair asked, turning back to the Knight-Commander.

"I am waiting on aid," he told them and Solona's eyes narrowed.

"You're awaiting the Rite of Annulment," she pieced together before she shook her head. "Is that really necessary?" she demanded.

"There is no other option!" Gregoir exclaimed, throwing his hands up. "My Templars are trapped in there as well with all the Mages and it's more than likely that all of them are dead!"

"Surely you can send a group in to find survivors before you commit them all to the Maker," Leliana protested.

"There is simply no-one left!" He gestured his hands to their surroundings and they could see the Templars were injured in many ways that if they didn't find healers, there was a good chance they wouldn't survive. "The only ones who are unharmed are myself, those two Templars, my stock-handler and Carroll – whose' job is to ensure no-one is brought over."

"I'll go," Solona spoke up, startling her companions and Gregoir. Her dog came to stand next to her, showing his support. "This place was once my home and I refuse to let it crumble before my eyes just because a man believes that he can garner support by turning to blood magic," she spat out the word like it was poison.

Despite him, pride swelled up in Gregoir. Solona Amell had always been one of his favourite mage, as well as First-Enchanter Irving's. Her determination to prove that magic wasn't dangerous and her refusal to turn to blood magic and demons had only strengthened her in his eyes.

"If you go through those doors, they will be barred and you will not be able to come back out," he warned her and she nodded.

"What will it take to prove the tower is safe?" she asked.

"First-Enchanter Irving, alive," he told her and she nodded.

"Fine, we'd best get a move on," she brushed past him with her companions following her.

"Are we really going into a tower infested with blood mages, demons and abominations?" Alistair asked.

"Scared?" Morrigan's snarky voice asked.

"No," Alistair protested at first. "Yes," he confessed. "I've heard a lot of stories about them and Darkspawns are one thing, Blood Mages/Demons/Abominations are another thing completely."

"Alistair does have a point," Leliana agreed. "Up until now, we've rarely seen demons and such. Zombies are another thing." Alistair shuddered at the memory.

"We don't have a choice," Solona nodded to the Templars and they opened the double doors. "We want to save Connor without blood magic; we need to find First-Enchanter Irving."

"And what if we don't?" Alistair challenged.

"Then we pray to the Maker for a miracle," she muttered before the group strode into the dark hallway, flinching when the doors slammed behind them and they heard the sound of the lock sliding into place.

"No turning back now," Leliana muttered as they all grabbed their weapons, it was going to be one long battle.

~_TYHO_~

They let out a sigh of relief when they came to an empty room, free from demons, abominations and blood mages for the time being. They knew time was short but they couldn't push themselves on just yet.

Wynne, their new healer, was currently healing those who needed it while Solona and Morrigan drank Lyrium to get their mana back up, preparing for the next stage. Solona had been grateful that Wynne had the knowledge on how to make basic lyrium and poultices which allowed Wynne to focus on offensive spells rather than just healing.

Solona had to stop the shiver that threatened to creep up her spine as she remembered walking through the blood-stained hallways, bodies of mages – people she grew up with – and abominations littering the floors.

"Are you okay?" Alistair asked, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"I have nightmares of being turned into an abomination," she confessed quietly. She shook her head, she understood the desperation they felt, the tiredness of being under the Templars' watchful eyes but didn't they realise by turning to blood magic and demons, they only made the situation worse for everyone else? Especially those who had worked hard to prove they wouldn't submit to temptation?

_Not all Templars were like him_, her inner voice reminded her and she had to agree. Cullen was one of a kind. He listened to her, understood her fears and he helped to calm them. She had gone out of her way to explain the inner workings of a Mage, to show that not all mages were so bad.

It had worked for them but it wasn't always understood by others. The other mages would gossip that he had a crush on a mage, though none of them – apart from Jowan – had known who his crush was on. But it hadn't stopped the female from throwing themselves at him – it had been a game to see which mage could bed the most Templars.

The Templars had come on to her but she was smart enough to rebuff them with a withering glare or a cold word or, for those who were hard-of-hearing when it came to the word 'no', she would freeze a certain part of them.

"Is it something the older ones would talk about, like a scary story?" Alistair's voice cut into her thoughts and she smiled as she turned to face him.

"Sometimes," she admitted. Her smile faded as remembered the stories. "It was more of a cautious tale, that one slip and you could find yourself going over the edge of madness, seeking more power." She shrugged and shook her head. "I was lucky, I knew someone who could ground me. He understood me so I didn't have to fear that thin line."

Alistair arched an eyebrow, interested, and she flushed.

"Are you saying my little sister has a lover?" he teased, moving in closer so the other women couldn't overhear him. She elbowed him in the stomach, flashing him a warning look.

"Don't make me bring up the conversation of you and your lover," she reminded him and he held up his hands in surrender, an amused smile crossing his lips.

"My lips are sealed," he promised, making a zipping motion with his fingers over his lips, "Unless, of course, someone happens to bribe me with cheese." He grinned wickedly and she rolled her eyes.

"I still can see if I can't find a spell that will let me transform you into a frog," she reminded him in a sing-song voice as she headed toward the doors, causing the man to blanch and mutter under his breath.

She noticed the others watching them with avid amusement before sending them a smile in their way then led the group out of the door and into the hallway. It was time to get back to their mission and she had the strangest feeling it was going to get tougher.

~_TYOH_~

She rested against the wall next to the door, all of them taking a well needed breather. The fade had been a trying period and she could say that she sincerely hated demons and their love for making the Void a freaking maze.

Slowly, one by one, she was able to receive her companionship though three had been difficult. Alistair had been entranced by a demon impersonating his sister. She never knew that he had a sister and she wasn't sure if it was something that was real or just a figment of his imagination.

Wynne had been stuck in despair over seeing the Circle in chaos, all the mages she swore to protect all lying dead around her. It had taken some convincing that she was in the fade and it was only thanks to those bloody 'dead mages' rising she was convinced that Solona had been telling the truth.

Leliana had no memories of their travels but she had been slightly easier to convince by reminding her of the dream she believed the Maker had sent her. The Chantry sister had said all the wrong things allowing Leliana to see the truth.

The other two had been far more amusing. Daleth, her dog, had just been sleeping waiting for her to wake him up. She guessed there wasn't really anything a demon could use against him. After all, she didn't think a Desire Demon would relish the idea of turning into a dog treat just to tempt him.

Morrigan had been the only one who knew that she was in the Fade and had been arguing with the Demon who had taken Flemeth's image. Morrigan had been insulted that the demon would believe she would fall for it before she ordered Solona to help kill the impersonator.

She met up with all of them at the final stage and told the Demon that they all chose their own happiness, not a false happiness the demon was determined to trap them within before they broke out of the fade.

"Does anyone wish to take a guess to what we'll run into next?" Alistair quipped from where he was sitting on the stairs, taking a deep breath.

"I've had just about enough of demons and blood magic and abominations," Morrigan snarled before she rounded on the older mage. "Tell me we are close to the top of the tower to rescue the First- Enchanter."

"The room after this one is where Uldred would have taken First-Enchanter Irving and any other mages who would have rebelled against him," Wynne confirmed, not batting an eyelid at Morrigan's brash attitude. Solona was sure the other mage was also getting tired of facing the groups of trio.

She knew she was and she knew her nightmares were just going to get worse from the night onward. She shook her head, straightening up.

"We should get a move on. We don't need to give Uldred more time than he already has. To stop the Rite of Annulment, we need First-Enchanter Irving alive." The others nodded, Alistair pulling himself up from his sitting position.

Everyone checked to make sure they had enough potions and lyrium. They would probably have to face at least one more group of something, it would be their luck. With slow cautious steps, they moved closer to the door.

Alistair took up the front with Daleth at his side. Leliana made sure her arrow was notched in her bow. Morrigan, Wynne and Solona took up the back, readying for spell casting when Alistair flung the door open and they all rushed into the near empty room.

"Cullen!" Solona gasped, stopping when she saw the man she loved on his knees, a shimmering blue barrier surrounding him. She could see his comrades behind him and realised they were all dead. Nausea churned in her stomach.

How long had he been left alone with them?

He lifted his head and met her horrified green eyes with tired brown ones. She felt her heart clench at the sight of him, near broken. What in the Maker's name have they done to him?

"No…" he licked his chapped lips, "No more," he begged. "Stop tormenting me with her image," he brought his head down. "I know it's wrong to desire her, Maker save me," he started praying under his breath, rocking back and forth.

"Cullen?" she moved closer, kneeling down. A hand came up and neared the barrier only to stop; she could feel the magic within the barrier crackle threateningly. "It's me, please," she begged.

"You are not real!" he roared as he lifted his head up and she saw the pure anger in his eyes. Never once he had directed hate at her and it sent a bucket of cold water through her…has she lost him before she had the chance?

"Cullen…" she whispered helplessly as she watched him, tears filling her eyes.

"I think he's been trapped in here for a while," Alistair looked at the barrier then the bodies surrounding Cullen. "It's more than likely that he is delirious."

"Is there anything we can do to help him?" She whispered.

"I have some water," Leliana stepped forward, pulling her water-skin from its holster. "Here…" she held it out but Cullen jerked away from her.

"Stay away from me!" he shouted causing Leliana to flinch, taking a step back.

"I think he has been tormented," Morrigan muttered as she examined the barrier, watching as Cullen fell back onto his knees.

"They are taunting me with the sway of her hips, the way she smiles, the way her eyes look into mine. Why do they insist on destroying you like this? The Maker must be punishing me for wanting her, for needing her."

"Who is he talking about?" Morrigan asked, her yellow-eyes turning to look at Wynne. Alistair groaned, his hand dragging over his face before coming to a stop over his mouth, his dark eyes landing on Solona's devastated look. Leliana's face had lost its colour.

"Must they tempt me with her hair, her dark-red hair? Must they tempt me with how it feels against my skin? The way her lips curve when she smiles, the way her dark-green eyes would twinkle with happiness? Why do they insist on distorting her image?" Cullen continued as if he didn't hear them.

"Maker!" gasped Wynne, her blue eyes landing on Solona's figure while Morrigan scoffed.

"A Mage and a Templar," she muttered, shaking her head.

"Cullen, please!" she slammed her hands on the barrier, she couldn't cope seeing him looking so lost, alone and tormented only to scream as lightning enveloped her body, pain flooding through her.

"Solona!" screamed Leliana. Morrigan and Wynne gasped as they watched the young woman's body twist as she tried to tear her hands away from the barrier when Alistair grabbed Wynne's staff and slid it across Solona's stomach.

With a hard yank, he managed to free Solona from the grip of magic and into his arms. Her hands were red with rawness and smoking. He laid her on the ground. Wynne conjured up a healing spell to soothe the young mage's sensitive nerves.

Hearing her screams had snapped him out of his state and he blinked, looking at the scene before his eyes widen.

"Solona?" he croaked. Her eyes, filled pain, meet his.

"Cullen," she reached out but stopped just short of the barrier. "Cullen, it's me, I promise." He closed his eyes, his hand coming to rest on the barrier near hers. She wished she could touch him, hold him. She had missed him so much.

"Solona…they said…" he stopped, unable to say anything else as he shook his head. Her eyes softened.

"I know," she whispered as Wynne sent the last healing wave before Alistair helped her to sit up. The lovers stared at each other, separated by the paths they were on and by the barrier that threatened to consume them.

He parted his lips to say something but faltered and his eyes darkened, shame crossing his face as he looked down. She felt tears prick at the back of her eyes.

She wanted to return everything he had done for her. How many times had he held her when she was hurt or scared? How many times had he offered words of comfort, a hand on her arm and the strong belief clear in his eyes that he truly believed in his words?

She closed her eyes, swallowing as she pushed the memories back. This wasn't the time to be caught up, she needed to save him, to protect him from the horror Uldred threatened to unleash on them.

A faint smile curled her lips; this had been one of her fears that caused her to come out of her sleep screaming with terror. He had been there, holding her close and she calmed to the steady heartbeat.

She opened her eyes, determination causing her to tighten her jaw and she felt a surge of energy. She was going to return the favour and she was going to banish her nightmares for once and all.

She pushed herself to her feet, Cullen following her with Alistair hovering nearby, ready to catch her if her sudden strength failed her. "I'm going to get you out of here," she promised, looking for any weak point within the barriers but she wasn't as good when it came to barrier magic as other mages she knew. "Can you break this barrier?" Solona turned to Wynne. The older woman closed her eyes, a hand reaching out. After a moment, Wynne frowned and broke the concentration before she shook her head.

"Its powerful magic, I cannot break it," she confessed, looking at Solona with sorrowful eyes. Solona bit back a sigh of frustration as she turned back to Cullen before something dawned on her and she turned back to Wynne.

"Would killing Uldred break the barrier?" she asked. Wynne thought about it and slowly nodded.

"If it was his magic, I do not see why his death shouldn't cancel any spells he had conjured," she confirmed.

"Let's kill him," she told them before she ran a hand through her locks. "If he truly is a blood mage, I cannot see us being able to talk him down."

"Neither can I," the older mage grumbled, still annoyed the other mage had turned to blood magic, "But what of the others?"

"We should try and save them if we can," Solona told her, getting approving nods from Alistair and Leliana. Wynne arched an eyebrow intrigued while Morrigan scoffed under her breath, shaking her head. "If they happen to be alive up there, then it's up to us to make sure they make it out alive." Fear sent icy shivers down Cullen's spine as he realised what Solona was talking about and he knew he had stop her, she had no idea of the screams.

"You can't," he suddenly said and they looked at him. "They cannot be saved." Solona frowned.

"Cullen, what are you talking about?" she asked.

"Solona, they've been up there for so long, you have no idea if they haven't turned to blood magic or demons. They need to die, all of them," he told her. Her eyes widen and she shook her head.

"Cullen…"

"You are safe right now, you haven't been tainted by Uldred," he told her. "Don't give him or the others a chance to control you. Kill them all; don't let any of them live."

"I hardly think this is the place to be having this kind of discussion," Wynne cut in, shooting him a glare but he ignored the older mage, watching the woman who held his heart.

"Solona…" she watched him for a long moment before she shook her head, sorrow filling those eyes that haunted his dreams.

"I can't, Cullen. If they are innocent, I cannot kill them," she told him. Anger reared its ugly head within him.

"Mages are dangerous!" he burst out, slamming his hands on barrier and she flinched before she drew herself up straight and met his angry gaze with her own cool ones.

"I am a Mage, Cullen," she reminded him. "I will not sacrifice innocents just because they might be a blood mage." They continued the stare off for a few more minute before he scoffed in disgust, his hands dropping down to his side and he took a step back.

"Then may the Maker forgive you for you blindness and pray that you won't unleash more evil on us," he spat out. She stiffened, her eyes turning hard as ice.

"And may the Maker forgive you for you lack of empathy and pray that you will not have the blood of innocents on your hands," she spat back before she stormed up the stairs. With a flick of her fingers, the door turned to ice before she used lightning to smash the door into pieces.

The group was silent before Daleth growled and stalked after his mistress. Alistair and Leliana shot Cullen a dark glare before they followed the dog. Wynne gave him a look of disappointment while the dark haired woman gave him a barely concealed look of disgust before both women made their way up.

He watched them leave before he hung his head, wishing he could take back his words…but it was too late and he had a feeling the anger lining her beautiful face was going to haunt him in the years to come.

But he couldn't change his feelings, not so soon after watching his comrades die and after being tempted by her image, her smile, her touches, the way she felt so warm against him. He forced the image out of his head, clenching his fists as he did.

It was difficult to tell what had been real and what had been an illusion. They were so real, so familiar. He shook his head, that path was over, he couldn't go down it anymore.

While he had been praying, the barrier around him suddenly collapsed and he lifted his head to see Solona open the door. She was followed by her dog, the dark-haired woman, the red-haired rogue and First-Enchanter Irving between Wynne and the Warrior.

"Uldred is dead," Solona came to a stop in front of him, her hand coming up instinctively when she spotted the graze on his forehead only to drop it when he flinched. Shame bloomed through him but his pride prevented him from saying anything.

"Cullen?" Irving asked, squinting at the tortured Templar. "By the Maker, I am so glad you survived. I had feared we had lost you."

"First-Enchanter Irving," he greeted coolly, earning a look of confusion from the older mage.

"I suggest we get back to the Knight-Commander, you know, just in case the Rite of Annulment had suddenly shown up in the last few minutes," Alistair suggested.

"Ah, excellent suggestion," First- Enchanter Irving agreed. Cullen watched as Alistair sent a look to Solona, who smothered her smile by turning away and leading them out of the room. He hung back, not wanting to be close to them. He didn't - couldn't trust them.

"First-Enchanter Irving!" greeted Gregoir jovially, relief clear on the man's face at seeing the Mage alive and well.

"Good to see you too, Gregoir," Irving told him. "I heard about you requesting the Rite."

"First Enchanter…" he started but Irving waved it off.

"You were right to be cautious Gregoir. If these people hadn't saved me, then you would have truly needed the rite," he assured the Templar, who nodded before looking around at the Mages slowly filtering in from the safe room.

"What do you say, Irving?" Gregoir looked toward the other male.

"I believe these young people have broken the curse and there are tests we can use to check to see if any of those left behind are possessed by mage or are using blood magic," he reminded the Knight-Commander, who nodded satisfied.

"Then I see no need for the Rite of Annulment," he confirmed.

"We can't let them free!" Cullen burst out as he limped toward the Knight-Commander. "They could be controlling Irving for all we know!" Gregoir shot the young man a look of concern.

"Cullen, I am the Knight-Commander," he reminded him. "And I hardly think Irving is so easily controlled."

"We don't know that," Cullen pointed out. "Uldred was powerful, how do we know that his blood magic didn't make him more powerful?"

"Uldred is dead," Wynne snapped, glaring at the Templar. "Any spells he had done has been cancelled."

"You say that but we see no proof it," Cullen snapped back.

"Cullen," Gregoir stepped forward, holding a hand out but Cullen was too far gone.

"All mages are dangerous. I once thought we should treat them like human beings but all it did was make them think we were soft and they used that to torture us! All of them should be put through the Rite of Annulment or at least be made Tranquil," he told the Knight-Commander, stunning the older man.

He knew of Cullen's behaviour toward Mages, in fact he had encouraged it because he saw how the mages responded favourably to be treated like a human being rather than a cursed mage who was hell bent on controlling everyone.

Obviously, something had happened to snap the young man. He was about to say something when Solona got in first, anger lining her features.

"Just because a select few proved to be blood mage and abomination, it doesn't mean the rest of us are the same," Solona snapped as she stepped closer to Cullen. "That's like me saying one Templar is a rapist, so all Templars are the same." He glared right at her. "You shouldn't be throwing stones in glass houses!"

"Enough!" Irving stepped between the two of them, forcing them apart. He looked between the two of them, wondering how they changed so much in the short time they had been separated. "Cullen, I understand your fears but I will promise you that the Knight-Commander and I will go through every mage to ensure that none of them are being possessed or are using blood magic."

Cullen just scoffed as he took a step back, looking away from the group with disgust. He turned to look at his student to see the heart-broken look on her face before she quickly schooled it and he sighed.

He knew of Cullen's 'crush' upon Solona, the rumours was frantic around the Tower, but he also knew of Solona's 'crush' upon the young Templar – though he had tried his hardest to dissuade the young mage. Obviously his subtle tactics had not worked.

"I am grateful that you came by and helped us," Irving told her. "Even with the fact you were under no obligation to do so."

"The Circle is still my home, no matter what," she informed them and Irving flinched. Again, he wished he and Gregoir hadn't been too hasty in their punishment for Solona but tempers had been high and with Jowan escaping, they had turned to his nearest and dearest to punish. "Besides, I have a treaty that compels that Circle to help us out with the blight and I have a young boy who is currently in possession of a desire demon."

"Maker!" breathed Irving. "How did that happen?"

"It turned out he is a mage and his mother hired a tutor to teach him so he wouldn't have to be sent off to the circle," Alistair spoke up.

"Who was the mage that was hired?" Gregoir asked. Solona stiffened.

"Jowan," she informed him. "I guess this will be your chance to capture him. He agreed to stay behind and help the others keep Connor safe until we got help."

"Thank the Maker you did," Irving said. "This would be a painful process with just a few of you. I will gather the mages and we'll head to Redcliff as soon as we can"

"And our aid?" she asked.

"They are yours, I will send whatever mages I can but be warned, there will only be a few," he told her. She nodded.

"That will be fine, the Mages are powerful," she agreed. "Beside, you need help rebuilding the circle."

"I would also like to express our gratitude for helping us out by giving you rooms to sleep in, if you wish to recover first before leaving," Irving told them, looking at Gregoir. The Knight-Commander nodded.

"I agree, we have room and you must be tired." Solona looked at her group to see they were exhausted and knew they weren't up for the long trek back to Redcliff at the moment. She turned back to Irving.

"We accept," she told him with a bow of her head.

"Excellent, I shall have one of the mages show you to your rooms," he told them.

"I would like to join them," Wynne spoke up, startling the group as they turned to look at her. "They are going against the blight and I would like to offer my aid," she looked at Solona, "If, of course, it is accepted." Solona gave her a warm smile.

"You have been helpful and your healing abilities would help us out in the long run," Solona assured her. Irving eyed Wynne for a moment longer before he sighed, chuckling wryly.

"You were never the type to sit still whenever there was a battle to be fought," he commended her lightly before he nodded. "Very well, I grant you permission to leave. I do hope to see you back one day."

"One day," Wynne bowed her head in acknowledgement. "And I will show them to their rooms, I gather they will be staying in the guest rooms?" Irving nodded and Wynne turned to the others. "Follow me then."

Morrigan and Leliana had been given a room together, both women accepting grudgingly while Alistair had been given a room to himself, though she had a feeling Daleth would be sharing with him.

She stopped when she realised she recognised the room Wynne had given her; it was the room she and Cullen had spent time in. She closed her eyes as memories washed over her.

She could almost feel his hands running over her body, his lips against her neck; the feel of his skin under her hands. She shuddered, opening her eyes and taking a step out of the room. She couldn't stay in there, not with those memories threatening to haunt her. Before, she would have gladly embraced having the room that held fond memories.

But after hearing the rage and disgust in his voice, vehemently saying all mages were dangerous, they all should be killed. It sent shudders down her spine and she suddenly felt cold.

She turned away from the room and made her way down the hallway where she knew Alistair was staying. Maybe he would be open to them changing rooms without asking questions.

She scoffed; the day Alistair wouldn't ask questions would be the day he would give up cheese.

~_TYHO_~

She found herself pacing in front of his door, trying to work up the courage when the door suddenly opened and she froze mid-step.

"Ah, you're the reason why Daleth was pacing the door." Alistair seemed pleased to have figured out what the damn dog had been going nuts over – though it had been amusing at first.

"Alistair," she turned to face him and he frowned.

"Is everything okay?" he reached out, placing a hand on her arm.

"I was wondering…" she trailed off.

"Yes?" he prodded.

"Wouldyoumindchangingroomswit hme?" she hurried out in one breath. He stared at her, slowly separating out the words until he got what could resemble a question.

"Why?" he asked, confused. She sighed, frustrated.

"Please?" she begged.

"Oh, this means it has a good story," he crossed his arms and she groaned. "Come on," he gently grasped her arm and pulled him into the bedroom where he sat her down on the bed and sat down next to her.

"Alistair…" she started but he shook his head.

"I told you about my lover, now it's your turn," he reminded her and she scowled briefly before her eyes fell onto her twisting fingers.

"It's our room," she whispered. He frowned.

"Oh," he saw the faint blush on her cheeks, "Oh!"

"Yeah, oh," she agreed sullenly and he sighed.

"Memories?" he asked. She huffed out a laugh as a tear slipped free.

"Everywhere," she admitted before shaking her head. "He hates me," she whispered before she broke down in tears, her hands coming up to cover her face.

"No, no, don't cry," Alistair begged, sliding an arm around her shoulders and pulling her into a hug. "Please don't cry."

"What do I do?" she asked, her voice sounding thick. She had come here with hopes of seeing Cullen and his smile, of hopes of their future but they had been snatched from her and shattered into a million of pieces.

Was there any hope or was it just a futile wishful thinking on her part?

"He's an idiot," he said simply and she glared at him. Alistair gave her a soft smile. "He's an idiot in pain." Her glare fell away and she sighed. "Give him time, 'Lona, it's all you can do. He's been through a lot and right now, the only thing that is keeping him moving is his pain."

"And then what?" she asked brokenly, was that her voice? He tightened his grip.

"Pray to the Maker that he will come round," he whispered. Fresh tears welled up in her eyes before she turned her face and buried it into Alistair's shoulders, just needing to feel human for a moment.

~_TYHO_~

Cullen stepped into the kitchen to see he was now on the receiving end of twin glares from the two younger women. He noticed neither Solona nor Alistair were in the room and jealously burned through him at the thought of them being alone.

"Do you have any idea what you have done?" Leliana asked as she stood up, her green eyes bright with anger. "You hurt her!" Cullen took a step back, his own anger and frustration rising up.

"Why should I care about a mage who probably put me under a thrall?" he snapped out harshly, jealously blinding him. For a moment, the room was silent that he thought he had gone deaf when pain exploded.

"You bastard!" shouted Leliana as she delivered a hard punch to his jaw. Cullen stumbled backward, his hand coming up to cup his jaw as he blinked the stars away from his eyes to see Leliana breathing heavily, her eyes dark with fury. "She adores you and you throw it in her face that she is a mage so she must be dangerous?! She deserves better than you!" She took a step forward, her fist bunching up again.

"Leliana," the hard tone of Alistair's voice cut through the room, startling the occupants. They turned to see him standing in the door, his face set in firm determination.

"Alistair…" Leliana started.

"Enough," he ordered her and she meekly closed her mouth. "Go to Solona and make sure you have a sleeping draft in hand, she's finally asleep but it will be disturbed by Nightmares." She gave him a quick nod, giving Cullen a backward glare before she slipped past Alistair. "The rest of you, get some sleep. We'll be leaving first thing."

Morrigan grumbled under her breath but didn't argue with Alistair as she and Wynne left the room, heading to the rooms they had been given to rest in. Daleth didn't move from his spot next to Alistair, his mistress would be safe in Leliana's capable hands and he wasn't going to leave his new favourite friend alone.

Cullen used this moment to examine the other man who seemed to have become the important person in Solona's life, replacing him…if he ever had her, a thought that sent jealously flushing through him.

"That will bruise," Alistair broke into his thoughts and he came back to reality. "Leliana always did have a good right hook." He dropped his hand from his jaw.

"I'm sure I'll find something to help with the bruise," Cullen muttered, looking away.

"Hm, if you're lucky," Alistair agreed. "Shame you're not on good terms with Solona, huh? She could conjure up one of her niffy ice trick and help the bruise." He flinched, the memories of her healing his bruises with a gentle smile filling his mind eyes.

He had that…now he would be lucky if she wasn't shooting icicles at his head out of anger.

"Been on the receiving end of her healing abilities?" Cullen remarked, his tone snarky.

"Hm, more like on the receiving end of her ice spell whenever she got annoyed with Morrigan and I arguing," he told the other man with an amused smile. He crossed his arms, his dark eyes watching the Templar carefully. "She has a temper. But then again, you would know about it…wouldn't you?"

"What do you want?" Cullen asked, tiredness filling his tone. He was so tired, he just wanted to rest but he knew that no matter how much rest he would get, he would never be at peace.

"I just wanted to know if you even cared for Solona at all, if you loved her at one point or if the whole thing was just a Templar's trick." Cullen's eyes widen at him. "Ex-Templar in training," Alistair explained. "Duncan conscripted me just before I took my final vows and I overheard Templars when they talked about Mages. That was one of the reasons why I balked at the idea of devoting my life to the Chantry."

"The other?" he asked, curiously.

"I was forced to go to the Chantry, I was never given the option," the other man shrugged. "Long story and I will always be thankful to Duncan for getting me out in time." Cullen wished he could feel the same. "But you didn't answer my question."

"Why do you even care?" Cullen asked. "You have her at your side. Once you leave here, you will never see me again." Alistair just stayed silent, watching him. "You care for her," Cullen told him, bitterness filling his tone.

"We are not lovers," Alistair corrected. "I see her like a little sister. I have a betrothed." His hand went to the amulet around his neck. "And I know what it's like to be in love with a stubborn woman." Cullen chuckled as memories of Solona being stubborn flittering across his mind.

"She's…" Cullen trailed of as he realised he no longer had the right to think of her that way, to see her that way and he slowly began to realise what he had lost. He sighed and Alistair nodded, understanding.

"She cares for you," Alistair warned Cullen. "She had never said anything but I believe she had harboured hope that one day you could be together since she is no longer under the Circle's protection and rules. You declaring all mages dangerous have shattered her hope, and her heart."

"I can't help what I feel," Cullen told him defensively. Alistair nodded.

"I know…but you have to ask yourself, do you really see Solona that way or have you just lost a potential good thing because she went against you, decided that it was better to leave a blood mage alive than it was to kill an innocent?"

Cullen's lips parted before they close as he tried to form an answer but he was unable to do so. It was so hard to think clearly, right now he was still seeing the death of his comrades, the images the demon made him see then seeing Solona in front of him, her green eyes wide and bright with tears.

The way she reached out to him, pleading with him and all he could think about was what the demon had made him think; how the demon had twisted his memories of them together and shame bloom through him. He couldn't think of her in a good way because his desire had been twisted.

"What do I do?" he whispered.

"Try and talk to her but know this," Cullen looked at Alistair, "Words said cannot be unsaid. Those words will always be a rift between the two of you until you clear the air." Both men fell in silence before Daleth yawned, bumping his head against Alistair's thigh. "Goodnight, Cullen. May you find salvation in your sleep," Alistair turned and left, leaving the other man alone.

He had a feeling there would be no salvation to be found, in his dreams or waking hours.

The End

I know you could only have four-party members at a time but I really think Wynne should have been a guest at that moment (since you had the option to kill her twice during the Circle) and Dog should have been an added asset (much like in Dragon Age II – that was fun).

Sequel '_To the Maker for Salvation_' is coming soon.


End file.
